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Big coming-out moment

November 17, 2009

Several weeks ago, I wrote a post stating that I wanted to come out to my parents. I didn’t change my mind: I just wanted to come out at the right moment, and I knew my parents were going to be really busy until now. I planned on coming out yesterday, but I lost my mind on Sunday and couldn’t finish my letter. And then I didn’t know how to actually hand it to them.

At this very instant, my coming-out letter sits on the kitchen counter, waiting for my early-bird dad to find it a few hours from now.

I don’t feel as nervous as I did during the last few days. I’ve been planning this for so long –writing the letter, finding resources they could relate to, printing out articles by supportive parents of trans children– that it feels as if I had come out already (almost). At least, I’m getting this over with. The tension was affecting me physically.

Really, how shocked can my parents be when they read my letter? I’m pretty sure my mom noticed that I bind. They already assume I’m a lesbian, so being trans can’t be SOOO much worse. In some senses it’s “worse” –I’m altering their whole perception of their child— but they’re already afraid for my safety; and it might be safer to be a straight-looking guy than a visibly queer woman. On the other hand, I wasn’t much of a tomboy growing up, so they might hang onto that as “proof” that it’s just a phase.

These predictions are probably useless, because they’re going to react with their hearts rather than their minds. Even if my trans identity were totally obvious, and made perfect sense, they would still be shocked.

Wish me luck :) And above all, the confidence to get through this unscathed.

25 Comments leave one →
  1. November 17, 2009 1:06 am

    All the best of luck to you. I can identify well with the nervousness and jitters that you feel. Don’t worry, you will get through this. Just be strong. Power and confidence to you, too. :)

  2. November 17, 2009 1:16 am

    Bueno, mucho éxito con eso. Me alegra que estés tranquilo ahora, o al menos como para poder sentarte y escribir esto. Es definitivamente si un gran momento, diría que un hito en tu historia personal y parecés haberlo encarado correctamente y muy seguro de ti mismo, eso es importante. La reacción es un poco impredecible, por más bien preparado que vos estés, y sabés que entre las opciones posibles hay algunas difíciles. No te conozco pero te sigo por acá y la verdad que te tengo fe y sé que vas a tener la confidence necesaria. Que todo te salga bien, che, aunque no sea de primera, te deseo sinceramente que todo vaya cayendo en su lugar.


  3. abigail permalink
    November 17, 2009 1:19 am

    ¡Buena suerte! ¡Buena suerte!

  4. November 17, 2009 4:04 am

    oh my gosh, good luck! this is something I am still totally intimidated by, I don’t even know how to begin to approach it. I hope it goes in all the best possible ways. !!!!!!

  5. angelina permalink
    November 17, 2009 4:07 am

    I’m de-lurking (love reading your blog, btw) to wish you the very best of luck. That’s all, really – and congratulations! The rest of your life is unfolding!

  6. sivkoburko permalink
    November 17, 2009 6:52 am

    Hope it all goes as smoothly as possible. Been following your blog for a few months. Really like the way you write and how you think about things – often has me nodding in agreement or just wanting to take time to think about things in more depth. All the best from the UK. Siv

  7. anna permalink
    November 17, 2009 7:12 am

    I’m having my fingers crossed for you… Please don’t neglect to write and let us know how it went…

  8. grapecat permalink
    November 17, 2009 8:50 am

    good luck! good thoughts going out your way from the uk :)

  9. November 17, 2009 10:22 am

    CONGRATS! i think the hardest part for me, as well, was just getting to the point where i actually told my parents. i was scared as hell, though when i actually told them i felt much better. this is a huge step and one to be proud of! i hope everything goes well and that you’re feeling good about this step you’ve taken.

  10. Ariel Silvera permalink
    November 17, 2009 12:43 pm

    Congratulations and, more than anything, best of luck. There is no way to know how parents will react to something like this, but it is usually a shock unless they happen to be the exceptional kind of person who know anything at all about trans stuff.

    I really hope this goes well for you. You’ve got the strength to get through it if not. My best piece of advice is deal with every day as it comes. And remember that parents require a lot of patience. You’ll have to teach them a lot of stuff in the coming months. They may not understand, and they may even say nasty stuff, all mixed with expressions of their love. This is what I’ve gone through, and as much as it hurts, it’s a way of digesting the news. Don’t be daunted if you get a negative reaction. Hopefully it’ll all go just fine!

    my best thoughts and wishes xx

  11. genderkid permalink*
    November 17, 2009 1:58 pm

    Thanks, all! My dad woke me up ridiculously early just to tell me that he had found the letter, and that he loved me very much :) He also said that he’d deal with my mom. I haven’t seen him since then, so I’m not sure what comes next; but that was a huge relief.

  12. November 17, 2009 2:48 pm

    I’m so happy to see that your father reacted well! Bravo to you for being so brave and letting them know.

    Good luck with what is still to come.


  13. November 17, 2009 4:59 pm

    Good luck! so much of it!
    I have yet to come out to my parents, but I know it’s going to take a lot of preparation. I really hope it works out so well for you =)

  14. Evan permalink
    November 17, 2009 7:31 pm

    yay! i’m so happy for you!

  15. November 17, 2009 7:31 pm

    oh i’m so happy for you! so glad your dad reacted positively and good luck with whatever comes next.

  16. gunk permalink
    November 17, 2009 8:19 pm

    Wow, it’s so great to hear that your dad reacted so well. I hope that he can help your mother to be ok with it as well. It’s really awesome that you’ve done this – you should feel so proud of yourself! I know that everyone who reads your blog will be wishing you well and hoping for the best. Good luck!

  17. joaquinjack permalink
    November 17, 2009 9:42 pm

    Epic win. I hope my dad reacts as well. We went on this big fishing trip this last weekend and it was weighing heavy on me the whole time, I was thinking- this is the last “father son” fishing trip we’re probably going to do this year, this would be the perfect place and time to bring it up- but I wasn’t prepared at all, so I didn’t. But I’m turning 21 soon and I’ve decided that I don’t want to pass into my adulthood without my dad knowing who I am. Maybe I’ll come out on my birthday.

    • November 17, 2009 10:02 pm

      This feels like a “coming-of-age” thing for me, too. One of the core issues of adolescence is separating oneself from one’s parents, and I feel that I can’t fully mature until I sort these things out; until I can stand on my own, even in the face of parental disapproval. Plus, once we get all the parent-child tension out of the way, maybe we can have a less strained relationship. My parents are pretty neat people, but having all these secrets was making us drift apart.

      Good luck on your own coming out! I hope you can prepare yourself well. Personally, I’m glad I took my time — my dad said that my letter was very well written, and I couldn’t have composed it while I was a nervous wreck.

      • joaquinjack permalink
        November 18, 2009 11:54 am

        I think I started writing it last night. I posted a blog on these feelings, and a few of the sentiments I wrote last night I think would go well in a letter to him. Or maybe a video. I don’t know. I’ll think of something.

  18. Traduit permalink
    November 18, 2009 1:00 am


  19. Syd permalink
    November 18, 2009 2:40 am

    I’ve been reading for a while, but never posted. I really appreciate this blog–you always come across as very thoughtful and considered.

    I came out in a similar way to my parents (letter left where they would find it, along with other trans reading material), and got a similar reaction. I’m glad it went well for you, too, and that your dad is being proactive in helping you with your mom. Congratulations, and best of luck in the future.

  20. November 18, 2009 2:19 pm

    I am so ridiculously proud of you! And I’m glad to hear that your father sought you out to tell you that he loves you. :D

  21. November 18, 2009 6:41 pm

    Well done and so brilliant that your dad is cool. You should be very proud of yourself.

  22. Keegan permalink
    November 18, 2009 8:36 pm

    Congratulations! I’m glad you had such a positive coming out experience!

  23. Malcolm permalink
    November 19, 2009 1:06 pm


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