Things should get better now.
I haven’t been posting lately because I’ve been feeling pretty down. School has been awful: my classmates haven’t understood that I need to be called by my new name. This week was the worst — on Wednesday, the very second I stepped foot in the school building, I felt tears of frustration welling in my eyes. I spent the whole day trying not to cry, and since then I’ve constantly felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Even the librarians have learned my (legal) name, so I’ve lost my favorite hiding place. Today was much better, though — it’s only going to school that makes me feel so bad.
But this could be a good thing. I’ve reached a point where going to school feels so bad that something has to give. I know I’m not going to ditch school –the school year finishes in only three months– and I know I’m not going to spontaneously combust. That only leaves one option: my classmates have to start using my new name and pronouns. So, I have to convince them to do that somehow.
I think I’ll need to enlist one of my best friend’s help to achieve this. I hope I haven’t lost her friendship yet — I’m sorry to say I’ve been kind of hostile to everyone recently. Feeling like your identity is being constantly ignored doesn’t help to put a smile on your face. And I hope I can explain my emotions well — I tried to tell her, once, how I felt about my name, and did an awful job. I might have said the opposite of what I really meant — I can be that bad at explaining things out loud. Writing is easier because there’s less pressure and you have a chance to reorganize your ideas. Maybe I should stick to writing letters when it comes to clarifying trans stuff.
This could be a huge chance for learning how to stand up for myself. I could regain some of my old friends. I didn’t lose any friendships because of coming out, but several people simply couldn’t get their names/pronouns right, and I couldn’t bear to be constantly surrounded by people who ignored my identity — so I eventually phased them out of my life. Maybe, if I had clearly stated my position, I could have saved my friends.
All in all, I could get a lot out of this lousy situation. I included a description of my negative feelings in this post because I want to remember how bad it feels to be called by the wrong name. I know that, when the going gets rough, I tend to wonder why I’m transitioning at all — wouldn’t it be easier to be a butch woman? At those times, I need to remember why I started to change my name and pronouns, why it would not be easier to “just be a woman”. If I don’t remember, I might enter a loop where I start transitioning, reach a roadblock, go back to “female”, feel awful, move towards “male”, etc.
Plus, I’ve found some really awesome laws which should protect my gender identity at school. More on that later. I’d like to start posting some actual, thoughtful content again — I’ve sure been thinking a lot.