Why I can’t be a girl
Every once in a while I wonder why I can’t be a woman; in theory, I should be able to live with being a faggy butch queer dyke. I know that I started to transition because I couldn’t stand being a girl any longer, but I tend to forget exactly how I felt back then; I have to trust that my old self made the right decision.
Sometimes, though, I have to present as female and it all comes back to me. I don’t like going out with my family, for instance, because I feel really confused and awkward when I’m perceived as a woman; and I never know if I’m passing as a girl, anyway.
Today was my first gym class at school this year. I still wasn’t sure which locker room to use; at the last moment, I went into the women’s room with a friend. I kept hoping that no one would try to stop me: I knew I wouldn’t be able to justify myself confidently. To my surprise, no one did confront me; it seemed that most of the girls already knew me.
I went into a stall to change and took my binder off so I would actually be able to breathe while I exercised. As I rushed out of the locker room –no use dawdling– it occured to me that, with my visible breasts, I belonged there. I did want to be accepted inside, but I hoped to be more of a welcome guest than someone who is actually supposed to be there.
The whole experience made me remember why I can’t live as a girl. I felt exposed, humiliated, frustrated, and therefore hostile and upset. (Now I know why I never made new friends in gym! ;)) It was the last class in the day, luckily; I went straight home without changing or binding because I didn’t dare to go into the locker room again.
On the way home I kept trying to hide my chest from complete strangers who didn’t give a damn about my gender. I’m surprised at how much I cared about people’s perception of me; I guess appearance is important for feeling confident. On the other hand, when I’m presenting as male, I don’t feel so upset when someone calls me “she”, so maybe the key to confidence is presenting in the way that comes easiest.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I’ll be presenting as male, as usual, and even though many people still think I’m a girl, I know I’ll doubly appreciate all the people who respect my male identity.