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Mirror, mirror

January 2, 2009

On Flickr there are images from a trans book project that combines people’s portraits and words. One transman’s letter really got to me. Here’s part of it:

When you are young, you can be who you are, and keep it a “secret” from everyone who tells you that you are wrong, and you survive. Puberty and the mirror, however, quickly become your worst nightmare. You look in the mirror and YOU see what everyone was talking about. –From Transgender Book Project

Exactly! I didn’t feel trans earlier because I didn’t look at myself in the mirror, even after puberty. I thought it was really superficial to look at oneself and I made a point of not checking my appearance whenever I passed a reflective surface, unlike everyone else.

Later, when I started dressing more masculinely*, I could tolerate my image. But whenever I caught my reflection by accident, if my body shape was noticeable, something still felt amiss.

Now that I feel comfortable with my male gender identity, I’m coming to terms with my body. I will start hormone therapy as soon as possible and I probably will pursue chest surgery. But I know that my present body doesn’t make me any less of a man.

* I have my ex-girlfriend to thank for this. She was the first gay friend I had; I only accepted myself as queer after meeting her. That led to a huge gender liberation which ended in self-discovery. But that’s a whole new post. Thanks, P!  =)

And a happy new year to all.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Andrew permalink
    January 4, 2009 1:30 am

    Happy new year man :]
    I can relate to that almost 100%
    I never really felt wrong when I was younger because I never truly looked at myself.
    I was allowed to be who I was (albeit forced to keep long hair) and was allowed to play outside and get dirty like every little boy loves. I could sit on my butt and play my NES for hours without being told only boys should do so.
    When puberty came, I started feeling not right (hello enormous chest…what are you doing here) and whenever I passed a mirror I would do everything I can to avoid it. I felt…I’m not sure how to put it…lumpy?
    My body is not my own, and its not my fault.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing :]

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