On Flickr there are images from a trans book project that combines people’s portraits and words. One transman’s letter really got to me. Here’s part of it:
When you are young, you can be who you are, and keep it a “secret” from everyone who tells you that you are wrong, and you survive. Puberty and the mirror, however, quickly become your worst nightmare. You look in the mirror and YOU see what everyone was talking about. –From Transgender Book Project
Exactly! I didn’t feel trans earlier because I didn’t look at myself in the mirror, even after puberty. I thought it was really superficial to look at oneself and I made a point of not checking my appearance whenever I passed a reflective surface, unlike everyone else.
Later, when I started dressing more masculinely*, I could tolerate my image. But whenever I caught my reflection by accident, if my body shape was noticeable, something still felt amiss.
Now that I feel comfortable with my male gender identity, I’m coming to terms with my body. I will start hormone therapy as soon as possible and I probably will pursue chest surgery. But I know that my present body doesn’t make me any less of a man.
* I have my ex-girlfriend to thank for this. She was the first gay friend I had; I only accepted myself as queer after meeting her. That led to a huge gender liberation which ended in self-discovery. But that’s a whole new post. Thanks, P! =)
And a happy new year to all.